little hands, big heart

Before I moved out to go to college, I was very unsettled and scared about it. One night I walked by Mia, my little sister's room, where she was already in bed. She called to me to come in, so I did.

"Kayla?" she said. "Are you excited to go to college?"

It was like she had pulled a string, releasing a string of hysterical sobs out of me. Mia simply held her arms up, and I laid against her chest and sobbed, soaking her pajama shirt. I cried while she lay there, silent, holding me. When I sat up, there were silent tears streaming down her tiny cheeks, and she smiled against the tears.

I thought my heart would explode in that moment, I was so filled with awe and love for this tiny little girl.

believing

sometimes it just floors me how people dont believe in God. well, it always floors me, but only when i think about it.

have you ever held a newborn baby? and touched their perfect little fingers and toes? and seen the glow in their perfect tiny faces? you can feel how perfect they are..how can you not believe in God then? how can you believe that this glorious, flawless little being just happened by chance?

have you ever talked to someone and seen nothing but pure charity? seen their goodness-felt their love, radiating out from them to you? it's like, a physical thing. i feel like its smothering me-i cant breathe, but its a happy kind of not breathing. people are SO christlike and have so many divine attributes. i feel so undeserving of their attentions-but how can you believe that those characteristics, those attributes, just appeared there? they just showed up?

have you ever felt the direct power of forgiveness? done something wrong and then felt, like from the crown of your head to the bottom of your heels, that it has literally been washed from you? how can you explain that...its just all in your head?

have you ever taken a look at the colorado rockies? or the beaches in san diego? or the beautiful, bare, exposed land in the queen creek desert? how could you believe that all of those creations, all of those colors, just came together because of the laws of physics? because it just......happened that way?

random things i hate

there are a few things in this world, and i sware they were just put on EARTH to bug me. yeesh.

1. puzzles-good heavens i could go on about this for HOURS. they are so stupid! when i start to do one, instead of feeling relaxed like you should feel when you do a puzzle, i just end up wanting to take each individual piece and shred it. and after shredding it, burn them. and then take the ashes, put them on the ground, and stomp on them until they are no longer visible! they are such a waste of time! bah.

2. corn-just the smell of corn makes me start to dry heave. each kernal is a yellow piece of the devil. one time, my mom made me eat my corn, so i puked it up like 5 minutes later. and...i had just eaten pink jell-o right before. she had to clean it up, and needless to say, she has not made me eat corn since. i usually will try new things and am not super picky, but corn, i will not eat.

3. jeans without back pockets-ok, i thought the point of pants is to help us make our backside look a little smaller, a little trimmer, a little better. having no back pockets is like sticking a magnifying glass up to your butt all day. plus it looks trashy. no back pockets=big butt/ugly.

4. the phrase "same-dif"-please please please please do not ever say this around me. one, it makes no sense. same and difference are opposites. you dont put them together. two, you sound like one of those fifth graders that wears skinny jeans and black nail polish. its the dumbest phrase-and im pretty sure you loose IQ points each time you say it.

5. stalker texters-if i dont text you back, its not because i didnt get it. well, once in a while it happens but most of the time i get your texts. im not texting back because: a) im busy. im doing something that MORE IMPORTANT than texting you. b) i cant find my phone. this happens often-i set it down and walk away alot. when i find it, ill get back to you. thanks c) i dont want to talk to you. im ending the conversation by not saying anything back. capiche? d) i just got trampled by a army of unicorns-and they kicked my phone out of reach while they tied me up in shackles made of tree vines.

ok, the last one hasn't happened yet-but its just a forewarning, in case it does.

ill get back to you if i want to and if i have the time. if i want to talk to you, ill text you. :)

ok i sounded like a brat there. i usually want to talk to everyone-but i dont want texting to be my LIFE. so stop double sending messages.

6. when people forget to turn their blinker off-jeez! i cant tell if you want to switch lanes, or if you think its just funny to freak everyone out. turn your blinker OFF once you switch lanes. if throws traffic off. ok maybe doesn't throw traffic off, but it irks me. turn it off. thank you.

7. unmade beds-this is just one of those things i was born disliking. a pet peeve. i missed the bus weekly in middle school because my bed had to be made. alot of times on saturdays, ill made my bed, then decide to go back to sleep. then make it again. i just LOVE the look of a neatly made bed. yeah yeah, your going to mess it up again. but thats the fun.

have a nice day

red handed

we got 11 o clock church, so you think i wold be able to stay awake now. but..i mean, there was a dance last night, and the stake leaders were speaking..i couldn't help myself.

i just took a quick cat nap on my mom's shoulder-and after sacrament, the bishop stops me in the hall. not like, a friendly handshake stop, like a, pull my arm, stop me dead in the tracks, and twist me around kind of stop.

he goes, kayla, i saw you dozing off during sacrament today...

what the heck am i supposed to say?! i weigh the possible answers:

1 .no, that wasn't me. someone else that looks like me was sitting with my family.

2. actually, i have a lazy eye. it just appears as if i am sleeping sometimes.

3. really? what angle were you looking from? we sat kinda far back today...

but..its my bishop. i cant lie...i fessed up. i just meekly said..well, i was just resting me eyes. he didn't think it was that funny. actually, now that i think about it. his expression was more like...pained dissapointment.
lovely.

news cameras and pancakes

i found a new talent today. well, maybe not a talent, but something unique about me.
the we the people speech competition for political science was today-it is the deciding factor of whether we go to state or not. i got uncharacteristically nervous before my speech started. i mean, i was getting ill because i was so nervous.
i introduced myself and sat down to start the speech, still racked with nerves. i was beginning to regret that pancake i ate for breakfast-because i could feel it, as well as the syrup, churning in my stomach.
i was coming up with ideas of how to not be nervous. how do i make myself feel at ease? so i thought of what makes me feel at ease-being in front of the camera. not like the flash camera, like the video camera. i feel like myself in front of the camera. i feel proffessional and confident.
so, im staring at the judges, and slowly, all 3 of them morph into a TV news camera. one by one, i can see their legs turning into the legs of the camera, and their faces become the lenses. insatantly, i feel a release that is tangible-and wonder if anyone else in the room can feel it as well. my body relaxes, and the muscles in my face melt into a confident smile. i am ready.
now i know what to do when i am nervous! morph the things around me into cameras, and i am at ease. its magic.
and btw...we are going on to the state competition for our speeches :)

prom night.

so...i go to prom. dance the night away. yeah yeah..all that good stuff. actually it was really fun.

so i come home at like 1230 am and my house is toilet papered!! like everywhere.

my aunt and uncle are visiting and you cant see their escalade in the driveway..its even woven carefully in the spokes. its insanely... everywhere. so parker, being the best prom date ever, helps me clean it up. there is one piece that keeps going...oh no! the backyard is trashed too. the picnic table, the trees, and trampoline, its like a snowfall for those on exlax. i was up so late cleaning it up..but not before you buried me in some of it.

and i find out it was the guy i said no to for prom! because parker asked first. sorry dude.

the end.

farm boy.

hunter christensen. what a stud. even for a cowboy.

this is a thank you letter.

im pretty sure youre the nicest person i have ever met-you are so perfect in every way, its not real. youre smart, you sing, youre athletic, youre good looking, and youre amazing at dancing. im pretty sure my parents will be very upset when..or if we dont marry.

thank you for those dance classes, rides on 4 wheelers, and midnight horseback rides.

you are seriously like edward from twilight. minus the vampire part. and sparkly skin. and being 108 years old and stuff.

i owe you alot..and well, thank you :)

tuna.

for ty

deraera ty,

i couldnt speel dear so i gave up. oh look, there it is spelled right.

im very glad we have gotten to know eachother and that we can be boyfriend/girlfriend at times. you are very good-looking, even though sometimes you look like a little boy. we are compatible, dont you even worry about it. that game was rigged. RIGGED! RIGGED I TELL YOU!!

everytime i eat dots, drink a slurpee, wear brown, or think of skinny esophoguses, it will remind me of you.

you will make a fantiastic missionary in italy, speaking, what is it? oh ya, italian. duh. maybe we can go back someday. my boyfriend will pay for it :)

i enjoy making up stories with you, though your much better at it than i am. i could text you all day long and never get bored.

i will miss you muchly when you leave-as much as someone with no heart can. come to think of it, thank you for being friends with a heartless girl.

i like you very much ty. and maybe...we should go out.

love,

kayla

ashy clark

this blog is dedicated to my sister, ashlyn. :) she is my best friend, without a doubt. Maybe it's because she has to love me no matter what because we are family, but that is beside the point. She is the person I am most excited to tell when something happens to me-anything from a good grade to a new dress. She is hilarious! We spend alot of time making fun of people (it's good natured, I promise), or going through my yearbook and laughing at people's faces. (sorry to anyone I offended by that. I wouldn't say it to your face) We often lay awake in our seperate beds and talk for hours on end. About anything and everything-she literally knows every part of me. She is there for me when I am crabby, even when I throw straighteners at her, and makes my bed for me when I am running late, for she knows how much I hate an unmade bed. She reads books I advise her to read, wears clothes I tell her will look good, and even texts for me while I drive. I am so lucky.

I get told we look like twins-except she has dark hair, dark skin, is taller than me, and (she is going to kill me for saying this), bigger boobs than me. She is like the hot version of me. However, I like to think we are twins on the inside as well. She is such a complassionate, giving person and is such a good example to me. I think she should have been the older of the two of us, for she definetly acts it. We have even already had guys deciding between us....good thing I'm going off to college.

We have the exact same taste in music-any song that I like and she doesn't, I will eventually talk her into loving. Or maybe she does it to be nice. We also love the same movies-Another Cinderella Story is our favorite. Right now. We are constantly texting eachother funny quotes from movies. I think the conversation has been going on for 2 and a half months now...

Anyways, Ashy is amazing. I really think I was stuck with her on purpose. We need eachother, and compliment eachother quite nicely. Now I sound like were getting married. Gross. But really, Ash is my best best friend. I couldn't have asked for a better sister.

Love you lumpy :]